something i wrote in august (about gender)

30.8.16

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When i was young, i love the world so deeply, but had such distaste for humans. I hated what they had done to my home, how they had treated my earth, my mother. I so badly wanted nothing to do with them, but the universe forced me to find love. Despite their multitude of flaws i have come full circle, to love every being, because i have realised it is the only way. What an infinitely interesting race we are. And i have, through some conciousness and the gift of life, come to realise that it is only love that can save the world. I no longer detest humans, and i no longer feel bad for being part of the human race.

What a funny thing, to be born with pre-determined anger towards one’s own existence, the existence of her own brothers and sisters. I wonder what happened in my past life (s) to make me feel this way, innately. What a funny thing to be born hateful, and learn with age the power of love. As if in a state of reverse cynacism.

Particularly, i felt such shame in my gender.I rejected the notion that i was, or could possibly ever be a woman. I dream, longed of being a boy, it was all i ever wanted. Was this just another form of the patriarchy being ingrained in my soul, and afterthought from the afterlife?

All i know is i’ve grown out of it. I grew out of cares for sports where girls were taught to compete with one another for male attention at age 14. I grew out of sports where i was told to be careful, whilst boys were told to face their fears at age 16. I grew out of cares for pleasing other people with my appearance at age 18. I grew out of care for my perpetually growing breasts at age 19 ( a personal point of contention but something i learned i could not stop). I grew out of cares for my perpetually growing hairs at 21 ( also unstoppable). I’ve finally grown out of cares for my gender, it’s own taken my entire existence but i finally realise it’s not even a real thing, i feel empowered, free.

Embrace my femininity has happened naturally over time, whereas embracing my masculinity was something innately within me. Both have been liberating, learning to honour and own the power of the wild, without committing to either gender. I know the role women have to play in the coming years (revolution) is unfathomably important. It overwhelms me to think about, so i try not to. Not because i can’t handle it but because i know that the wild woman is awakening in the mountains, in the ocean, under the earth’s crust, in the atmosphere all around us, in her own time.

She knows exactly what she is doing, she has had it planned out all along, Did you get played by her game? Women’s inconceivable connection to each other and this world makes my heart cry out, i can’t even take it sometimes. it frightens me in the best way possible. Im so zealous to see the union which has been brewing since the dawn of this time, the lifetime of this earth. Since our mother was ripped away from us in the age or dimension before this one.

But although eager, I am simultaneously patient for I understand, without necessarily understanding, the greater purpose of all things we don’t necessarily understand. But when it happens, i would like to be up there with my fellow sisters (and brothers) leading and lighting the way, with love, my unbearable love of this world, which now holds close, a special place without shame or hatred, but with only complete acceptance, my fellow human beings.

 

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